dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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