Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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