just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
