what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
