I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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