Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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