She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
