i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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