Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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