420 ftw
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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