my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
