I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
