Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Randomize
