Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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