Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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