the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
