I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
