Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
