i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
