I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
