So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
