sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
