just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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