I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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