tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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