Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
