dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
