I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
