I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
