Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
