I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
