This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
