god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
