she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
