1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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