Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
