I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
