The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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