I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
