Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
