I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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