She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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