it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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