My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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