there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
