I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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