i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
