you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
