Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
