Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
