I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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