Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
