The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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