my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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