so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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