Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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